• Travis Ryan

Frayed Nerves

Frayed nerves sparking away this morning, I had a “minor scare” this morning, and its not exciting enough of an event to recap the specifics. However, the catch 22 of even the most mundane and innocuous events involving fear, is that, if I don’t know all the factors involved, my brain fills in the blanks with the wrong pieces. Not so much wrong in a survivalist perspective, just inappropriate for the day to day, semi-boring lifestyle I have adopted. My mind has many jagged pieces of worst-case scenario brick and mortar, that when there are any unknowns and fear in the same place begin to assemble themselves automatically into a haunted house filled with screaming ghouls, plague boils, and mass destruction. It is just the process of realize that, this house is probably just old and outdated, and doing a swift walk through investigation to assure myself that not only have I misjudged the structure, but I am brave and resilient enough to sprint headlong into the worst of locations and come out unscathed. This fast walk, journey through insane real estate is a positive thing, but it doesn’t make it any less jarring at 5:30 AM. Nothing wrong with a little adrenal boost for breakfast to set the tone for the rest of the day running smooth.

*plot twist *

I’m working on a project where I type up all the hand written, pencil scribbled, cage fodder that I wrote over a drawn out stretch in county jail, which is cool because I want to share the experience with anyone who wants to understand such a thing without tripping and falling over the edge themselves. That is my recommendation for how a non-participant in the penal system should experience such a vacation, but I would not discourage any of the more “first person”, “experiential” learners out there who have to dive in themselves. Everyone who knows me knows that I am that style of student myself and have spent more time with a fork in the electrical outlet than most phone chargers, I would like to report these bouts of severe and agonizing electrocution now.

The variable that makes me want to trash the project is more ego-driven though. I have never liked being told what to write about, call it problems with authority, call it laziness, but I feel at this moment like I just don’t like being a secretary for the version of myself that died 6 months ago. Its another reason why I have to swiftly type these up and post them every morning, because if I give myself too much time to reread, or recap any of these rambling pages, I’m more likely to hit the “delete” button than the “upload” button. But I am determined to get this out there, both for therapeutic reasons, and as an insightful, cautionary tale into a system and mindset that few will ever experience *knock on wood.

Cage Chronicles coming soon…

“Keyed up” “keys struck” “tail tucked”

Travis Muffhuggin Ryan


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